December 15, 2007

Rejected wedding themes

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 11:37 pm by Mitch

I have the impression that women spend most of their single lives daydreaming about their wedding day, down to the detail. Maybe this isn’t the case, but the stack of bridal magazines accruing in our apartment doesn’t suggest otherwise. Myself, I never really thought about it. Getting married always seemed like one of those inevitable life events that happens to everyone sooner or later — a physical part of aging, like gray hair (in fact, I’ve recently found one of those on my head, too!). Why waste energy thinking about it before it happens?

Well, that’s not quite true. I did have this vague notion that my wedding would be different, somehow, than most. That I’d reject traditional mores and come through with the most innovative and hilarious wedding concept the world had ever seen. Any schmoe can put on a tuxedo or a white dress and mumble some vows. I wanted to wow people. Unfortunately, in my imagination there was never another person with veto power over my ideas. Here are just a few of my brilliant ideas that have already been rejected.

Theme: Goth wedding
Signature Moment: I am standing at a black altar wearing white face paint and black lipstick. My groomsmen are dressed in Druidic robes. A minor-key rendition of “Here Comes the Bride” plays on a synthesizer as four pall bearers carry a coffin down the aisle. They place the coffin upright next to me and the lid falls open. Molly is inside, painted as a corpse. I hand her a bloodied cow’s heart. She takes a massive bite of the heart to symbolize her internalizing of my love for her. Guests are invited to hail Satan.
Why It Was Vetoed: Molly is a vegetarian.

Theme: Mime wedding
Signature Moment: We deliver our vows in pantomime. These vows include walking through strong winds for one another, pushing heavy boxes together, and being trapped in giant, invisible boxes until death do us part.
Why It Was Vetoed: Marcel Marceau was the only qualified officiant (RIP).

Theme: Superhero wedding
Signature Moment: I am dressed as Batman, my wedding party as the Justice League. As we are introduced at the reception, an actor dressed as the Joker swoops in and steals Molly away. I tie his ankles with a line attached to the Batarang, and then pummel him in a realistic fashion. I later forget to pay him.
Why It Was Vetoed: Molly wanted to be Wonder Woman. Batman would never marry Wonder Woman! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.